Random

I assume this is similar to what dying feels like. Ok, maybe too soon. Apologies.

Sarah Haizley

I am so tired. And I don’t know why sometimes when I am this tired and my brain is like chyme (look it up if unfamiliar and not very squeamish) I want to write. I don’t understand even my compulsion to write. Maybe to communicate with something. Someone. Myself. I don’t know. But I am soooooo beat. So beat I passed out at 5pm and luckily woke up a half hour later. Mainly because I felt my heavy eyelids and set an alarm. But still. I was exhausted. And that hasn’t changed. And most the afternoon my heart was pounding. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was super tired (is that a thing?) or if it were the 3 sips of afternoon coffee I had, before abandoning the cup altogether, turned my heart into a marathon runner (I’m typically not that caffeine sensitive). But it was a tad concerning.

Anyway, if I didn’t stress it enough, I feel like shit. But my heart is beating below 80 beats like an average heart now so that’s good.

xx

Daily

And So It Is

Sarah Haizley

When I was a child, I thought I was going to be a fierce independent business woman. I was going to live in a big city (New York – it was a city featured in all my beloved movies: Home Alone, Baby Boom, Batman (so I thought)). I was going to wear charcoal grey business skirt suits with sensible pumps. I was going to have blond hair that would be in my signature style of a perfect french twist, and I was going to make lots and lots of money.

That never happened. Not even close.

I bring this up because I feel like that pipe dream is also my fantasy of attaining a Masters or PhD. Would I love to have higher education and gain all that knowledge about a subject or field that fascinates me? I would. But the path that would get me there seems a mismatch to what I am willing.

I am only halfway through my AA degree. I also don’t have the means to pay for college and grants/scholarships/etc only go so far and I already have student loans from another degree I obtained over a decade ago. The time, efforts, cost don’t make sense for me at this time in my life. Yes, I am starting from scratch, but I have this nagging feeling that I could fall out of interest with the field/subject, get to the finish line and change direction because I am of a certain age and don’t want to start entry level in a career that requires more experience to get to mid-level. Or that my debt would be larger than my salary to pay it back at that more advanced age. I understand in a capitalist society that debt has to be in order for money to be somewhere. Don’t quote me on that, but I did have a once through of a great TikTok about it.

I am going to be 37 this year and age is subjective, but I would rather not have debt or experience more financial struggle than I do now in my more advanced years. 50 is still young, but I don’t want to have to work the rest of my life to die in debt. That’s grim but it’s a real possibility.

I have relatively little debt now and I think finding a path alternative to college that leads me to financial freedom would behoove me in so many more ways than the pipe dream I was fantasizing about with “fancy” degrees. I just have to do my work, be patient that what is meant for me finds me, and carve out my path. It may not be easier than streamlining college degrees, but I feel it will be a hell of a lot more worth it. Maybe next lifetime I’ll be that person with academic accolades in an intellectual field or that sharp business woman with her perfect french twist. You never know.

xx

Random

It’s 7:07 am and

Sarah Haizley

I must take a shower to start my day, but I want to write. I always want to write when I have my blog design exactly to my liking. I live on aesthetics, though I may need to clarify personal aesthetics as I am sure what pleases me might not be for the masses. Maybe all aesthetics are personal and sometimes there’s luck and others like the designs as well. Or maybe true designers know the science behind good design. That’s probably a smidge more likely than the luck thing.

So I treat my blog and most of my online “branding” (usernames, names, blog titles, domains) like musical chairs, or more like Goldilocks in the house of the three bears. So I have no audience or following and I have to say I am kinda digging it. I feel free to be creative and not judged. Which is something I might work on. But if you have stumbled here, you’re welcome to hang out. This time I may keep with the title of “cool with uncool”, challenge myself to keep this same blog design, challenge myself to stop the musical chairs.

I like “cool with uncool” because I have always been the type to be on the fringe of the more nerd/outsider groups of people. Honestly the way I see it, I’ve not been nerdy enough to be in with with nerds, but I still connect in different ways. In fact, in most social groups I am always in the fringe. And that’s not a bad thing. I always kinda dig it. So I am cool with what most would consider uncool and cool with being in the fringe of the “uncool”.

Time to go start my day.

xx

Thoughts

Single

Sarah Haizley

I have been single for an extended period which is vague, but I think it’s been ~4 years. Well, in that time I have experienced the rise and fall of a few relationships my friend has had. And though I feel I am a relatively chill person, some of the things she tells me about make me wonder when I start dating again will I have those turbulent moments and events that I glimpse of my past that she feels and does in her more recent relationships?

I don’t want to be the turbulent girlfriend. I don’t want the drama or the back and forth or the uncomfortable feelings of defensiveness or jealousy. I mean I can say I am not a jealous person now, but I legit have no one to be jealous about. I don’t want my dating future to reflect my dating history. And I am sorry to make an example of my dear and sometimes slightly frazzled friend, but that is an eyeopener.

I am a person of big feelings and I’ll be real, hypersensitivity. And it has been so long since I have “crushed” and then developed real feelings for someone over time. And speaking of my track record, my relationships carried no weight in longevity.

I haven’t dated because I don’t feel I am where I want to be when it comes to what I can offer in a relationship and having the life I want. I want to be independent in a relationship so if things go off track, we can separate and I’ll be A-OK because I have seen what relationships look like when independence is not attained.

Yes, I am the type that if the prenup is fair and just, I would sign one. I am the type that believes people can fall in love, maintain love, and fall out. I believe that people are to live their lives how they see fit and that can be with many loves or one love. But I will always be the one prepared for the great storm, so to speak.

I just think while attaining independence, I should work on my emotional wellbeing so I don’t flounder my future dating life how I did my past short and tragic romances. I’m not trying to be a different person, but just the person I am when I hear other people situations and have that sense of reason. I don’t want my big feelings to override reason. But we aren’t perfect and that may happen, but hopefully with self-reflection and some growth, I’ll have a better handle on it when I “get back out there”.

xx

Daily

Little Less Serious

Sarah Haizley

I sometimes feel like a grumpy old soul who clutches onto the seriousness of life with, at times, a death grip. Basically I am saying I am going to try and lighten up. I mean there is a time and place for everything, but twitter can’t be my only source of wry humor. I mean, I think it’s wry. Maybe not as I have just googled it. It is dry a bit, but more ridiculous and self deprecating in a light manner than mocking or sneering. I digress.

In a meditation, I came across a concept to take everything in life as a dream. And I liked that because who wouldn’t, but at the same time, how then shall we take dreams? I don’t know.

But I really think that with all the heaviness, taking things less seriously and balancing focusing on the good when we can, or I can, will be super useful to navigating life itself. This sounds simple and kind of like a “duh” idea, but sometimes the best things are.

#Awareness.

Yesterday I did a shadow-work meditation. I don’t know what shadow work means in the witchy world, but how I mean and what the meditation was about is the coping mechanism we develop where we can be more manipulative, defensive, harmful to others because of things we experienced that harmed us. Everyone has a shadow. And the idea is to embrace that part of us, to give it love, accept it, understand it and with all that, over time, we can soften it. I highly recommend it if you’re into guided meditations and healing meditations. Renee Sills on Insight Timer app. Then on TikTok I saw @ReclaimingMelissa who talked about emotional flashbacks and that when a person triggers in us an emotional response from our past, the better we recognize it and communicate it, by just saying we are having an emotional flashback, the better we can handle it, get into the present, and better our current relationships and situations.

And that’s the seriousness I was just talking about. But hey, it’s good stuff and may lead to more light and joy. You’re welcome.

#Acceptance.